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Waiting for fall to drop November 9, 2008

Posted by eyegillian in change, life.
Tags: , , ,
14 comments

fallen

Fall has always been my favourite season, full of anticipation, the promise of renewal and new beginnings. For most of my formative years, that new beginning was a new school year. Even after many years of full-time work, I still rely on the reviving tang of cold autumn air to wake me up after a somnolent summer.

But this year is different. This fall feels like sorrow.

Nobody close to me has died. I haven’t lost my job, or my partner. On the surface, at least, everything is the same. But I have been grieving, because my colleague did lose her job, and it feels like everything I have worked so hard for has been lost as well. I have poured nearly eight years’ worth of effort, love, inspiration and creativity into that job. And now it feels as if the organization has devalued my work, eviscerated the programs, the publications, the vision I helped to nurture.

Ironically, I’m the change person at our office. I’m always coming up with new and different ways to do things. Put an obstacle in my way, and I create a different way. I take on any challenge with optimism (sometimes over-optimism) and energy.

But this time, change has broadsided me. I’m caught off-balance by a reactionary circle-the-wagons “cost-cutting” decision that puts security ahead of vision. Of course, there has always been that tension between the seers and the scoffers, the doers and the heel-diggers. But I never thought the naysayers would cut off the visionaries, that the small-minded would win. So much for optimism.

In the midst of all of this, I have been trying to prepare for other changes, good changes. But I feel tired, angry and sad. I’m struggling to find the energy and creativity to meet the future; I’m missing my optimistic reboundability.

So, that’s fall, falling, fallen. Now the season is changing again, winter is a-coming in, and with it a bareness that’s feels like a kind of release. The simplicity of bare branches appeals to me now. And now I’m thinking about taking photographs, and writing. By the time the snow flies, maybe I’ll be ready for something new.

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